She was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self
which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world.
—Kate Chopin, “The Awakening”
I spent November and the first bit of December finishing up my show season. It has been a full year of numerous shows, and I am so thankful to everyone who came out to all of them. I began selling Christmas gifts as early as September and have created many custom orders given as gifts for friends and loved ones. Many of you shared your hearts and your journey. I heard stories of far off travels, of those grieving beginning their way on their healing journey, and of those who were fighting through a variety of hard circumstances. Many of you keep journals and reflect regularly, many of you sketch and "doodle". I can't count the number of times that you told me that you didn't have anything really important to write, but you write anyway. So do I. I write because it is good for my soul. It helps me stay aware and remember and make decisions. It also reminds me to play. Some of you even brought your journals and sketchbooks to me to show me the beautiful and fun ways that you are using them. Thank you. I deeply appreciate how you have shared yourselves with me in the incredibly diverse ways that you have. It is that sort of connection that makes doing this so rewarding. As I take a deep breath from this year of traveling from show to show often multiple weekends in a row, know that I am whispering prayers of gratitude for each and everyone of you.
Have you ever had so many hard things happen in life that you begin to expect that it will always be that way? Maybe you walk around holding your breath waiting for the next difficult thing to happen...
I did that for a very long time. Growing up was all about survival. I learned this from my parents who were just trying to “make it”. There were many difficulties growing up, but once I left for college, it all got considerably worse. There was a year and a half climax where mom left dad, my dad shut down completely, and my brother who was 2 years younger had to be admitted to multiple psych wards. While things seemed like they could not get worse, they did. It culminated on June 8th 2004 when my brother completed suicide. It was devastating as well as slightly ironic as my dad was always the one to talk about wanting to die. Instead, my 19 year old brother had opted out early. I had already planned a trip to Europe that summer before everything happened and decided to still go. I recall sitting on that plane in a state of shock, reflecting on what had just happened a few weeks prior. I found myself thinking, “Dad chooses to live as though he is dead, my brother chose to die….I want to choose to live.” I knew from my observations that I wanted to do life differently. I wanted to actually engage and LIVE my life. The years that have followed are filled with their own stories of learning how to shake off what I was taught and learn what it means to actually live my life.
It was a few years after my brother's passing that the word “re-imagine” became important. At the time, I was working with adult women at an eating disorder facility. I was watching how severely these women were being haunted and controlled by their past…to the point of self-abuse, self-rejection, and deep self-loathing. Trying to convey to any of them that life was worth living was quite a task. 
After those days at work, I’d go home, make a cup of tea, and journal for hours. I was proccessing a lot of their pain and self-abuse, but it was also highlighting for me my own hurt and self-rejection. It slowly became more evident that I was still holding my breath on my own life. I was still waiting for the next hard thing to happen. My past had taught me that this was how life went: something hard will happen and then it will get worse… when you think it couldn’t get any worse, it will. I vividly remember lying in bed one evening when the word “re-imagine” first came. I repeated it over and over. That is what I needed! I needed to re-imagine how my life could be rather than basing it on how it always had been. It could be different. I needed to breathe and give my life permission to be better. I’ve now re-imagined countless areas of my life, but I began with small steps. I gave myself permission for life to be different and recognized that it could be an option to not always feel stressed and hurt. With that, came breathing more deeply, no longer holding my breath, and slowing down to look at the reality of my life rather than staying busy in an attempt to ignore it.
When I began thinking of a business name, I continued to not be able to shake this word. I was very much into eco-friendly practices and using repurposed materials. It easily worked as a name since I “re-imagine” how materials could be used rather than throwing them away. However, there is that much deeper aspect and reminder to me to keep re-imagining my life and to fully live.
In what ways have you or are you re-imagining your life?